Actual Christianity

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

There is a pattern not all of us recognize, that forgiveness costs us nothing. We let small things go — a forgotten favor, a clumsy remark, an oversight. These smaller acts of grace are real, but they are also easy. The forgiveness Jesus spoke of, the kind he returned to again and again, is a different animal entirely. It lives in the moments when you feel your entire being has been either attacked or insulted. When what has been attacked is not necessarily what you did, but who you are as a person, your identity. Those highly emotional moments are sometimes labeled as ‘taking something personally’.

That feeling also has another common name: disrespect. And that is how you know the ego is fully in control, disrespect produces a predictable chain reaction — offense, then anger, then resentment, and often retaliation. Most of us know that chain from the inside. We have all stood in an argument that escalated because of hurt feelings, or felt the internal flash of “how dare you???” rise up before we had time to think. Those are the moments when forgiveness matters most. And those are the moments we are least prepared for it.

Get into the habit of immediately recognizing feelings of disrespect and taking something personally as important opportunities to forgive.

The question worth sitting with is this: when someone snaps at you, interrupts you, speaks over you, or levels a sarcastic remark your way — what are they actually hurting? Pressed honestly, the answer is: nothing. What they have touched is the ego’s sense of itself. The injury is real as a feeling, but it has no substance. It is an attack on identity, not on the person beneath the identity.

The Identity Trap

This becomes especially pointed when the attack targets what we most closely identify with — nationality, heritage, race, career, political belief, even a sports team. The stronger the identification, the sharper the sting. But the sting is the signal. That flash of inner irritation is not evidence that something sacred has been violated. It is a reminder to pause, shrug your shoulders, and forgive. Make it a habit. The goal is to become so resilient that nothing phases you anymore.

The consequences of ignoring this are visible every day. We see what happens when people build their entire sense of self around political identity, ideology, and tribal affiliation, and then feel that identity come under attack. The result is the endless cycle — angry arguments, division, and sometimes violence — that has become the background noise of our culture. It stops being a disagreement about ideas and becomes a battle over a person’s entire sense of self. The ego, fully in control, makes conflict inevitable.

The Other Side of the Teaching

Jesus taught forgiveness broadly, repeatedly, and without limitation. But the teaching has two sides. To practice forgiveness well is also to become more mindful of how we move through the world ourselves. If you would not want to be interrupted, condescended to, mocked, or lied to, then the practice requires that you stop doing those things to others. Forgiveness is not only about releasing offense. It is about gradually becoming someone who gives less offense in the first place.

And then there is the red alert — the signal none of us can miss. Anger. When you go from calm to fully inflamed, it is a reliable sign that you are now operating entirely from the ego, and nothing good has ever come from that state. Anger and hatred are byproducts of the ego asserting itself. They can almost be understood as signs that God has been pushed out of the equation. When that signal fires, the prescription is simple and physical: take a breath. Take a walk outside. Remove yourself as far as possible from whatever is fanning the flames. Wait for the storm to pass before you say or do anything that matters.

God is purely love. The further you move from that — the more consumed you become by anger, resentment, and the need to defend your identity — the further you have wandered from the source. Forgiveness is the path back.

The absolute worst cases of being in an anger induced rage, is destroying personal relationships with loved ones, from friends, family or colleagues. It can be quite difficult in many cases to rebuild relationships you spent many years. In my own life I know people who have not spoken to their brothers and sisters for decades, or destroyed romantic relationships with persons whom they realized much later were a gift from God and checked every box they ever wanted in a partner. A life that is truly led by love and and guided by God is one where there all squabbles are eliminated and people are unified in love.

Below you’ll find some examples of moments many of us have been triggered by. I hope you can use them as a reference for the future as to when utilize the advice I’ve presented above.

Perhaps someone….

• Raised their voice at you
• Snapped at you
• Interrupted you
• Spoke over you
• Had an attitude with you
• Insulted you
• Inadvertently insulted something about yourself you strongly associate with (your hometown, etc)
• Lied to you
• Falsely accused you of something
• Was ungrateful towards you
• Was not paying much attention to you when you were speaking
• Was sarcastic, patronizing, dismissive, or passive aggressive.
• Did not respect your position or seniority at the same institution
• Did not respond positively to what you said, or laugh at a joke.
• Triggered feelings of entitlement or righteous indignation.
• Made inflammatory comments that may bait you into a passionate/angry argument (avoid!)
• Deliberately excluding and ostracizing you from a social group for petty reasons

It’s not uncommon for someone to get defensive and then shift to being offensive because they feel whatever they closely identify with was attacked. Avoid these moments whenever possible. When the bait is taken, a full on interpersonal war can take place where two opposing heads and opinions are clashing. When you detect you’ve taken something personally, that’s also your cue to forgive. Feeling offended, took something personally, or feeling disrespected? Forgive, forgive, forgive.

Forgive and become resilient. You can take action when it’s absolutely necessary while also forgiving and not holding a grudge. Those grudges become toxic to our spiritual and overall health. Don’t mistake forgiveness for not wanting to take action on the toxic behavior of others. You tell the person trying to bait you into a political argument online “May God bless you” and move on without taking their bait. You can discipline someone being problematic at your company without deliberately trying to ruin and retaliate against them. The important part is not letting it take you from 0 to 100 in anger and retaliating in any way that you can. Any trigger that does that should be avoided and forgiven immediately. We become disconnected from our higher father who is love when that happens.

This is also where the critical components of the Lord’s Prayer comes in. Once you begin to recognize your weaknesses that are revealed to you, ask our Father lead you away from those temptations. For some, the temptation of blowing up in anger at others is what you ask our Father lead you away from. Asking you to deliver you from the evil derived from an unrestrained ego.

When you identify a trigger about yourself like the ones listed above, the things that get you furious, do not forget the simple law of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” So if you don’t like being interrupted when you speak, recognize when and you do the same to others. Make that a habit you can more easily break now that you’ve recognized it as well as creating a greater sense of self awareness. Don’t feel the need to argue or win arguments especially against someone relentlessly trying to prove you wrong. These are simply battles between our egos, and it is absolutely an attack on your identity and pride. Nobody wants to feel wrong, so forgive and let the need to prove everyone wrong go. If you’re wrong, be humble and accept it. Don’t get into useless arguments using mental gymnastics to prove a point or belief you know is incorrect/wrong.

Here is a short prayer I hope will help you, say it from your heart and your mind:

Father, I welcome the holy spirit into my life, my mind, thoughts, let the holy spirit reside with me keeping me in constant alignment with your will, guide me into the future so I remain in harmony with your plans for me. You are the object of all my worship and praise, and place no one or nothing higher than you. no materials on this earth is more important than you, nothing is more important than salvation and awakening to the truth that Jesus and the Holy Spirit led us towards. Lead me away from the temptations and flaws I’ve recognized about myself. Steer me away from them with your help. Amen.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
“I tell you, (forgive) not seven times, but seventy-seven times.”